Questions for Lesbian+ Counselors
Lesbian+ and Queer Wisdom: Three Lesbian Counselors Share Insights on Love, Life, and Laughter in ‘Questions for Lesbian+ Counselors’!
Delve into the realms of love, life, and laughter as we invite you to submit your queries and embark on a transformative journey of growth.
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Question:
My question is this. My partner and I have a social media account as a lesbian couple here in Minneapolis. We are unfortunately breaking up. How do we tactfully do it on our social media account?
Breaking up, especially when everyone’s watching, can be really tough. But there’s this amazing story in the Babout two people, Anjali Chakra and Sufi Malik, who showed everyone how to handle it with bravery and honesty. They’re a famous couple who always shared their lives online, and when they decided to split up, they didn’t hide it. Instead, they went on Instagram together and told everyone what happened: Sufi had made a mistake and cheated on Anjali right before they were supposed to get married.
It might seem strange to tell the whole world about something so personal, but in a world where everyone usually just shows the best parts of their lives on social media, Anjali and Sufi’s honesty was really refreshing.
Even though it was sad, their story made a lot of people talk about love, forgiveness, and how tough it can be to be famous online. And even though they’re not together anymore, their bravery and honesty are still inspiring lots of people.
So, even on social media where everything seems perfect, it’s important to remember that everyone has their ups and downs. Anjali and Sufi’s story is a reminder that it’s okay to be real and honest, even when things are hard.
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Question:
I am 25 years old, and I identify as queer. But I find dating very hard nowadays because it seems like everyone expects me to embrace the poly lifestyle, which is definitely not for me. Any advice? Should I just hold out for someone who wants to date me?
Answer:
Hey there,
Dating can be tough, especially when it feels like there’s pressure to fit into a certain lifestyle that might not be right for you. It’s totally okay to want a relationship that’s just between you and one other person. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Did you know that only a small percentage of lesbians actually prefer polyamorous relationships?
So here’s the deal: your feelings are valid, and it’s important to stick to what feels right for you. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something you’re not comfortable with. Hold out for someone who respects your boundaries and wants the same kind of relationship you do. You deserve to be with someone who values you for who you are.
Keep being true to yourself, and don’t settle for anything less than what makes you happy.
Take care,
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Question:
Dear Counselor,I have a 9-year-old child with my lesbian partner. Over the past few years, my partner has been struggling with stress and has turned to alcohol to cope. Initially, it seemed manageable, but now I’m concerned about our finances, her safety due to drunk driving, and her behavior around other women at the bar she frequents. Her drinking is putting a strain on our relationship, finances, and her ability to be a dependable parent.
Answer:
Firstly, I want to acknowledge the challenges you’re facing and the courage it takes to reach out for help. Dealing with a partner’s alcohol misuse is undoubtedly difficult, especially when it affects your family’s well-being.
It’s essential to prioritize your own well-being and that of your child during this time. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist who specializes in lesbian+ and queer women issues can provide invaluable emotional support and guidance. In addition, you may find invaluable support and understanding by attending Lesbian+ Al-Anon or other lesbian-specific support groups.
These groups provide a safe and supportive environment where individuals affected by a loved one’s alcohol misuse can share their experiences, gain insights, and receive encouragement from others who understand the unique challenges faced by lesbians+ and queer women in similar situations. Connecting with peers who can offer empathy, guidance, and practical strategies for coping can be immensely beneficial as your partner navigates her journey towards recovery and healing
Encouraging your partner to explore these lesbian+ and queer women specific support groups can offer her a sense of belonging and community, reinforcing the message that she is not alone in her struggles and that there are others who understand and empathize with her experiences. There are also resources available specifically tailored to support lesbians+ and queer women struggling with alcohol misuse. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) provides specialized meetings designed for lesbians+ and queer women, offering a secure environment where individuals can openly share their experiences and receive understanding and support from others who can relate to the unique challenges encountered within the community. Additionally, SMART Lesbian+ meetings aim to foster an inclusive atmosphere, ensuring that all members feel welcomed and respected. Another valuable program, She Recovers, extends support specifically tailored for the Lesbian+ and Queer Women Community, providing a nurturing space for healing and growth.
Furthermore, there are various programs and organizations that cater to the needs of lesbians+ and queer women seeking recovery from alcohol misuse. For instance here in California we have Community Center (commonly known as The Center) that offers support groups, counseling services, and resources specifically tailored to LGBTQ+ individuals struggling with addiction.
Real-life stories of individuals who have overcome alcohol misuse can also provide hope and inspiration. Hearing about others’ journeys to recovery can remind your partner that she is not alone in her struggles and that there is support available to help her through this difficult time.
Remember, recovery is a journey, and seeking help and support is the first step to recovery. By reaching out for support and exploring resources available specifically for lesbians+ and queer women, you’re taking an important step towards creating a healthier and happier future for yourself and your family.
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Question:My parnter and I started living together six months ago. While it is nice to have her with me, there is one big problem. She is a slob. If I try to talk about it, she says I am too uptight and the house doesn’t have to be perfect all the time. Any advice?
Answer:
Living together can be a big adjustment, especially when it comes to managing different habits and expectations. It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated by your partner’s messy habits, and it’s important to address this issue in a way that respects both of your feelings.
One approach you might consider is using the principles from John Gottman’s books, such as “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” The Gottman approach emphasizes open communication and finding solutions that work for both partners. You could try having a calm and honest conversation with your partner about how their messiness is affecting you and the household.
Instead of focusing on blame or criticism, express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, you could say, “I feel stressed when the house is messy because it’s important to me to have a clean and organized space.” Then, listen to your partner’s perspective without interrupting or getting defensive.
Together, brainstorm potential solutions that address both of your needs. This might involve setting aside specific times for cleaning together, creating designated areas for belongings, or finding compromises that allow for a balance between tidiness and comfort.
Remember, every relationship has its challenges, and learning to navigate them together can strengthen your bond in the long run.
Best wishes,
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Question:
Since Covid, I’ve been struggling with depression and bipolar disorder. I’ve tried lots of meds, but none work like pot does. My doctor won’t prescribe it. What should I do?
Answer:
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with depression and bipolar disorder, especially during these challenging times. It’s understandable that you’re seeking relief and support. While I’m not a medical professional, I want to encourage you to prioritize your mental health and explore all available options.
It’s important to have open and honest communication with your doctor about your treatment preferences and concerns. However, if your doctor is unwilling to prescribe medical marijuana, there are still alternative avenues you can explore.
Firstly, I recommend seeking guidance from a mental health professional, such as a therapist or psychiatrist, who can provide personalized support and explore other medication options or therapeutic approaches that may be effective for you.
Additionally, there are resources available in many states for individuals seeking medical marijuana for mental health conditions. You may consider reaching out to a medical marijuana clinic or a certified medical marijuana doctor who specializes in treating mental health disorders. They can evaluate your specific situation and provide guidance on the legal and medical aspects of using medical marijuana as part of your treatment plan.
Remember, it’s essential to prioritize your safety and well-being, so I encourage you to seek support from qualified professionals who can help you navigate your options and make informed decisions about your mental health treatment.
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Dear Quinn,
I have 50 pounds I can’t lose. My doctor wants to put me on Ozempic. That drug is for diabetes. But I don’t have diabetes. Should I do it? What do you think? Thank you for being a beacon of light in the stormy sea of life!
Dear Stormy,
Many people in this country struggle with weight issues and trying to get those last undesirable pounds off. It can definitely be discouraging. I think you should do what is comfortable for you. It can be unsettling and uncomfortable taking a new medication. Especially when the medication is not typically developed for that particular condition.
However, I would suggest doing your research regarding the medication and look at the risk factors. Discuss your concerns with your doctor and perhaps get a second opinion. Try not to judge the medication option without knowing all the facts. There are a lot of medication on the market that were developed for one thing and is now used for multiple other conditions.
These medications are called “Off Label Drugs”. For example, there is an allergy medication Hydroxyzine that is used to treat anxiety. The anticonvulsant medication Depakote also is used to treat anxiety. With that being said, I urge you to do your research and weigh out the pros and cons for taking or not taking the medication.
As well as talking with your doctor and even getting that second opinion. This way you can make an informed decision based on the facts. It is not an easy decision that you are facing so take your time and feel comfortable with whatever decision you decide is best for you.
To Your Good Health, Quinn
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Q: My family members are all accountants. And surprise, surprise, I grew up to become an accountant. Not sure if I knew there was anything else to do! But after five years I am not satisfied with it any longer. Also, I am still paying my student debts from my accounting degree so going back to school for an extended period of time is out. Are there any careers you can suggest that I can help people without getting a Ph.D.?
Dissatisfied Accounting
A: Dear Dissatisfied Accounting
People often follow in the family footsteps when there is an established family business or career path. It is hard to see other options when we grow up being told this was what we do and what is expected of others. Good news though! It’s never too late to make a career change. There are many careers that do not require advance degrees. However, it is important to think about your interests so you do not end up dissatisfied in the next career choice. I would recommend taking a career interest inventory either online or at your local college. Think about hobbies that give you pleasure and perhaps one can be anew career path for you. Take your time and explore the possibilities. Have fun and good luck
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Q; My partner and I have been married for 9 years. Covid was hard on me. To be honest I got sick and tired of our marriage since we are still together all the time. I recently read that I am not alone. I read that 3 percent of American Married couples live apart. The problem is when I bring this up with my partner, she gets all upset and won’t consider it at all. I just need a break just like the 3 percent of American Married couples.
Sick and Tired
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A: Dear Sick and Tired
Try to remember that 97% of married couple do not believe in living apart. Your spouse is among that 97%. It is okay to take some time to recover from the devastating effects of Covid. Many people felt that togetherness was a bit much but were stuck during the pandemic. However, there are so many other things you can do besides living apart. There might be something else brewing if you are set on living separately after 9 years of living with your spouse. I would recommend seeking counseling to sort out a few things. Good luck
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Q: My girlfriend and I have married four years ago. Her parents never seemed to warm up to me. I bend over backward trying by sending cards, dropping off small presents, calling to see how they are, and taking them to doctor’s appointments. They still talk about me behind my back when I go to the kitchen to get them more coffee or something else. And they do it so they know I hear them complaining about me. How can I let them know they are making me feel like the help and not a partner and family member?
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A: Dear Unappreciated
That is unfortunate that after four years they have still not warmed up to you. Perhaps they do not feel anyone is good enough for their family or not good enough for their daughter. Their behaviors reflect their character and not yours. It does not sound like you will win them with all your efforts. I would focus on your wife and if she is loving and accepting then that is what matters the most. I am not saying be unkind to your in-laws but maybe reconsider how you are doing for them. Talk to them and let them know how you feel and if your wife does not know how you feel be sure to discuss with her. Furthermore, if you act like the help, you will be treated like the help. Good luck
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Q: My partner and I have had a hard time since COVID. We were very happy before COVID and had a comfortable life with lots of closeness and great sex. We both lost relatives and friends during COVID either to COVID or because our family members or friends couldn’t get into the hospital to get surgeries that could have extended their lives. It is almost overwhelming all the family members and friends we have lost during the last couple of years. But now we don’t seem as close or as comfortable and we never have sex. I miss having sex with my partner. Any suggestions for helping us get past the grief and back on track with our previously happy life?
Stuck in Grief
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A: Dear Stuck in Grief,
I am so sorry to hear about all the loss you and your partner suffered during the pandemic. Just know that you are not alone. Many people lost loved ones due to COVID or lack of access to healthcare. It is not easy to process all that grief. You may be feeling the distance and lack of intimacy due to the automatic response to distance and numbness that grief can create. If you put distance between yourself and others’s then it will not hurt as much if you lose them. It is not rational but then defense mechanisms rarely are. Please seek grief counseling to help you process what you and your partner have lost and work towards finding each other again. My sincere condolences and wishing you all the best
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Q: I am having a difficult time getting close with my girlfriend. She seems as if she is on Mars and doesn’t respond with anything other than a yes or no. If at all. Sometimes it is an eye roll or a shoulder shrug. I complain about how distant she is. It has been hard not to lose my temper recently. Feeling the Distance
A: Dear Feeling the Distance,
I don’t know how long you have been with your girlfriend but all relationships have peaks and valleys. Sometimes everyone needs a little space to work on self-reflection. However, if you are concerned you can seek professional help to improve your communication with your partner. Perhaps couples counseling can benefit you both and help to restore your relationship.
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Q: I’m a single lesbian in my 50s. But I am so angry all the time and for the last thirty years of my life. And it seems to be getting worse. I have a job and a condo so no worries about stability. Over the last years, I have been on all kinds of antidepressants. Also all types of therapies but nothing seems to work.
Angry and Depressed
A: Dear Angry and Depressed
I am so sorry to hear that you have not responded well to treatments. I would suggest discussing options and your struggles with your doctor. Depression can be debilitating and prevent people from living full and meaningful lives. Additionally, it does not have to be triggered by an event. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and sometimes it takes the right combination of medications to start seeing the change. There have been many advancements in medication to help people struggling with depression and combined lifestyle changes. Furthermore, a positive lifestyle is circle to good mental health. Perhaps find a mindfulness group in person or online, use positive affirmations, and make other positive lifestyle changes to help support improved mood while you are working with your doctor to find the right medication. These small changes can help reduce feelings of anger as well. There are lots of lesbian groups and support groups online and perhaps some meetups in your area that can help increase your fun. Hang in there and remember it is baby steps, be gentle with yourself as you are making changes, and try to stay away from those who just want to commiserate. That will only reinforce your anger and feelings of depression. You deserve to be happy and I wish you all the best on your journey to a happier life.
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Q: I am in a relationship with a woman who really thinks 8 tracks will come back in style. Also cassettes, Movie CDs, and all the other mediums that we have been through in the last 30 years. It started with her vinyl collection becoming valuable. But our house looks like a goodwill audio section. What can I do to help her realize just because the vinyl went up in price the rest is trash?
Goodwill House
Dear Goodwill House,
I feel your pain in not wanting a cluttered home. However, if your partner loves collecting nostalgic items, I would suggest being supportive. Perhaps a compromise is in order. If you can agree to a room, any room that she can dedicate her collection to that you can avoid might be the solution. If her collection brings her joy and is not a hoarder situation it would be advisable to support her passion. Who knows, maybe some of it would be worth something someday. Remember the old Atari games? They were dug up from the landfills and apparently sold for a lot of money. If nothing comes back into style but gives her joy then that is okay too. Just remember, it is important to support each other’s passions and if it is not turning into a hoarding situation then consider a compromise. If it is a hoarding situation, then please seek professional help to address the concerns. Good luck, Quinn
Q: My question is how to deal with a son who is transitioning with an extended family who is not understanding. In the last year, our son began to transition: He had his top surgery this year and started hormones when he turned 18.
My father makes Archie Bunker look liberal. Everyone except him knows about my son’s transitioning. But my father is still back East and we all live on the West Coast.
Luckily my Dad doesn’t let other people talk much on the phone. But now my son’s voice is changing, so my dad might pick up on This. The family is split on whether we should tell my Dad. I think that my Dad will be around for a while but since he lives on the East coast and we never visit him and he hates the land of Fruit and Nuts should we tell him?
Concerned Mother
A: Dear Concerned Mother,
I hear you that your father will probably not be accepting of your son. It is a difficult question and perhaps looking at things from different perspectives can help you and your family decide on whether to tell grandpa or not.
My concern is that your son might not need to be in family photos for fear of him will need to be super careful to not let anything slip in conversations or even talk about your son. When your son’s voice change that is hard to hide as well. Is this hiding healthy for your son? What message does it send to your son?
All to save the feeling of someone that you know will probably not accept him. Your son might end up living in the shadows of his former identify and not live an authentic life. Perhaps everyone feels the hiding of your son is worth it.
Check with your son and make the decision that is best for him. There are a lot of people that do not accept anyone that does not fit into a nice little long-established package. Until our society is more enlightened, sadly there will be unaccepting people like your father and we need to learn how to honor and accept ourselves even when other’s do not. We all have the right to live free and without judgement or ridicule. No one should have to hide who they are and perhaps your father will surprise you.
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Q: Ever since Covid I have been lonely. I cannot seem to get un-lonely. We still have somewhat high Covid rates (after three years) and the politics of hate is really wearing on me. What can I do? Lonely
A: Dear Lonely,
I hear this a lot since we have all be impacted by the negative effects of COVID the illness and the politics around it. My suggestion is continuing to wear a mask when you interact with other’s. Look for online social groups that spark your interest and stay connected via zoom and phone. It is so important that we don’t emotionally isolate even if we have to isolate physically from others.
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Q: I have been seeing my girlfriend for three months. We were both head over heels with one another. But recently I am very disillusioned with the relationship. I don’t even recognize my girlfriend! I ask myself how could I fall for someone who has all these problems And not see it? She is beyond hope. how do I handle it? What went wrong?
Disillusioned
A: Dear Disillusioned,
In the lesbian world we call that limerence. It is literally the state of being obsessed or infatuated with someone. It is the strong desire for a person and the desire for them to reciprocate. It is an involuntary reaction and is typically focused on the physical and sexual aspects of the relationship. Some relationships are a beautiful encounter that burn hot and fast and fade just as fast. Other’s can last a lifetime. Perhaps seeking professional counseling can help you both sort out where you want to go from here.
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Dear Quinn:I want to have a couple of resolutions for the New Year. This is important to me. I write the resolutions all over the place for reinforcement. While I might not hit them all I do hit a lot of them and it is important to me to have goals that I am working towards. This year I am in a relationship. That was last year’s goal – to get a girlfriend! So I wanted to make a relationship resolution with my girlfriend. She thinks this is stupid. Is she right and do you think I can convince her of a couple’s resolutions that would benefit our relationship?Resolution Focused
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A: Dear Resolution Focused,
I think resolutions can be a double-edged sword. Some people struggle with achieving resolutions and perhaps your girlfriend is one of them. If her history is a failure with following through on a resolution, I can understand her hesitation. However, if they work for you then by all means make those resolutions every year. Your relationship sounds pretty new and it might still be in the fragile stage. I would suggest not pushing the issue about a resolution but discussing your common goals. Sometimes just reframing it can make all the difference. If this still is not resonating with her then consider just picking a word for the year. It can be any word such as “Abundance, Kindness, Love, or Acceptance.” Whatever the word is and you can both pick different words. Maybe even make it a game so it takes the pressure off. Then you both look at every situation through the lens of your word for the year to the best of your ability. Remember that relationships take work, time, patience, and compromise. She may not want anything to do with resolutions but that does not mean you cannot find a common ground to build on. Good luck
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Quinn –One of my friends from childhood has been very lucky in making money her whole life. She picked a career in real estate and works for a premier real estate business. She married very, very, very, well. And to top it off her parents passed and left her a farm which she sold for over a million dollars. But it doesn’t matter how much money she has all she does is talk about money. She goes on and on. Did I have any idea how much did their last fabulous vacation cost, the cost of the new vacation home, or the expenses in detail of their latest additions to their house? I did not have the money goddess smile on me but I am getting by. I keep hinting all of her talk about money bothers me to no end but she does not pick up the hint. Any suggestions to stop her constant conversations about how the 1 Percent lives that I am not interested in? Or is this friendship impossible to maintain friendships with ultra-wealthy people?
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A: Dear Getting by
It sounds like you might need to have a direct conversation with your friend since she has not picked up on the hints. If you let her know it makes you feel bad, she might tame her comments down a bit. If she values your friendship, she might be a little more sensitive to your feelings. In addition, you might want to express happiness for her that she does not have to struggle and has had good fortune. People with money often talk a lot about money. It is her reality and we can only function within our own reality. All relationships take work and good communication is without a doubt a crucial part of that. If you value your friendship, please have the conversation with her but it also would be wise to consider why this bothers you so much. Just food for thought on that one. Best of luck
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Hey there, LesbianEarth Readers! We are thrilled to introduce you to "Questions for Lesbian+ Counselors"! This column is all about offering a fresh take on life's twists and turns, specifically tailored for our lesbian+ and queer community. We want to make one thing crystal clear: while we are here to lend a listening ear and share our perspective, we are not a replacement for professional help. If you're grappling with serious issues, we strongly urge you to reach out to a therapist or seek medical attention as needed. Cheers to navigating life's ups and downs together!
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